The new temp is funny and mean, fat and proud

That is a picture of me at work (false). I am a grunt-worker in a well-known Chicago silk-stocking law firm (true). It is called Smudge, Ripoffsky, and Wanker (false).
Today we got a new temp (true). His name is Elliott (false). As soon as i saw him i adored him; i clapped my hands and said to the others, "Oh, he looks jolly!" (True.)
Elliott (not his real name) is not jolly (true). Elliott (not his real name) is cruel, vindictive, proud of his crimes, and unbearably hilarious (true).

"You're not one of those are you?" he bellowed when he saw me in the break room drinking my soy milk and eating cold brown rice with chopsticks. We had not yet been introduced.
Elliott (not his real name) launched into truly the nastiest invective against vegans i've ever heard until i was laughing so hard i was crying and there were little grains of brown rice here and there and a few modest puddles of soy milk (true).
I'm sad now that i can't remember any of it. Except for the last part:
Elliott (not his real name): "And the worst thing about them?! Their demeanor. Their manner. It's like they know that being a little outgoing and friendly to people burns this certain kind of energy that can only be replaced by dairy!"
Sometimes when we're raucous and crazy the seniorest senior partner appears out of nowhere and joins in (true). He is like Stein on "Will and Grace," played by Gene Wilder (true). I think that was about the time Stein Stein of T.P.S.M. stopped having a first name like normal people (true). But he didn't appear today (true).
I'm looking forward to work tomorrow (true), which i never do (true), because of Elliott (not his real name).
Oh, one more thing about Elliott's (not his real name) anti-vegan rant: He has one foot on a plastic chair and he is slapping his belly. He tried to stand all the way on the chair but couldn't; it slid and scraped on the yucky tile floor, which was when i started to hyperventilate.
Elliott (not his real name) is whacking his belly with his open palm really, really hard and shouting, "I have a broccolli allergy! I'm fat and i'm proud!"

Comments

[eric]

This story reminds me of Josh Kornbluth's "Haiku Tunnel," which I highly recommend, especially for anyone who works in a law firm.

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