Chicago police authorities urged calm, but people remained worried Thursday after a
Class One Demon commonly called “Bush” materialized inside the Hilton on South Michigan Avenue
and began draining the morality out of all humans in the vicinity.
The demon’s True Demonic Name (which experts cautioned
should not be spoken aloud) is “Rrrrghmmph,” according to sources. The Demonic
Name is similar to the sound a human makes when choking on a pretzel, the
sources said.
No one was physically hurt, but there were reports of
widespread feelings of apathy, despair, and powerless rage, as well as
insatiable urges for alcohol, drugs, television, bacon cheeseburgers, and
shopping.
On the other hand, some people reportedly remained strong in
the face of the Demon “Bush” (Rrrrghmmph) by countering its demonic energy with
popular protest, sources said.
Taking the form of an exorcism, the popular protest included
singing, chanting, whistling, and mocking the Demon “Bush” (Rrrrghmmph).
“The Devil, the Proude Spirite, cannot endure to be mocked,”
said one astrolabe-brandishing protestor, who identified himself as Doctor
Johnson.
In spite of the mayhem, Chicago police superintendent Phil Cline was
heard to give his well-known code-phrase for “All clear, situation normal,” saying,
“Beef jerky anybody?”
Details were still sketchy, due to the tight security
measures of the demon’s aptly-named praetorian guard, the Secret Service, but
it appeared that the demon was conjured by a Kult of Pure Evil known as the
“Illinois Republican Party.”
The conjuration was said to have been accomplished in a
bizarre ritual involving a Jimmy Buffett cover band and millions and millions
and millions and millions of dollars.
According to expert demonologists, this Kult can be
distinguished from a different one known as the “Illinois Democratic Party”
chiefly in this way: Less graft in Cook County, more nefarious
schemes hatched in the suburbs.
In a separate story, there were reports that Kult of Pure
Evil Grand Dragon Pat Robertson had succeeded in replacing Venezuelan President
Hugo Chavez with an animatronic bear from Chucky Cheese’s.
Robertson is believed to be working on a more realistic
Chavez android, sources said.
In the meantime, though, as long as the Venezuelan
government continues to share national oil wealth through spending on social
services, instead of blowing it on Johnny Walker Black and lap dances for 213
princes of the royal family (in the manner of a certain oil-rich U.S. ally),
the Venezuelan people may be content with the bear, sources said.
The bear, “Butch,” was reported stolen on Halloween 1996
from the Chucky Cheese’s off I-275 and Kingston Pike outside Knoxville, TN, and
has long been suspected to be in the center of a nefarious scheme.
Expert demonologists consulted for this story preferred to remain anonymous, lest they be given a "time out," war-on-terror-style, in which they would have to stand in a far corner of the world, in an uncomfortable position, facing a wall of indifference, with stinky sacks over their heads, forever.
Comments