I Am Not as Bad As "Bush"

by a Guest Blogger

Hello. My name is The Adversary. Recently, I was unfairly compared to a mortal named “Bush.” I would like to take this opportunity to protest this scurrilous and wholly unjustified attack upon my character.

My transgressions are legion and legendary (in some cases, absent actual Scriptural source, purely legendary, but I will not belabor this point). You, humankind, have droned on for millennia about The Garden this, The Apple that, not to mention various accounts of my putative encounters with a certain Man from Galilee. I am portrayed as Pure Evil. Why should I dispute it at this point?

But now, a line has been crossed! A human head of state addressed a body called the “United Nations” — actually not an assembly of peoples but a talking shop of their leaders, many of whom I shall be seeing soon enough — and repeatedly likened this “Bush” character to me! I write now to clear my name.

In support of this pleading that I am Not As Bad As Bush, the following proffer:

I.“Where am I? What am I Doing Here?” You never hear these questions in Hell. Let me tell you why. Hypothetically, suppose you were a Congressman, and that you died. Upon your arrival in Hell, let me assure you, you would know EXACTLY where you were. As for why — Well, for buggering that little Congressional Page, of course! This is merely hypothetical.

On the other hand, suppose you were a victim of this “Bush” character’s “War on Terror.” Upon arrival in your new hell, you might be truly anywhere on Earth: In a secret prison formerly run by the CIA (believe me, I know them, too!) until the task became too distasteful for them; in a tin shed at a U.S. air base in Afghanistan; in that most desolate of all Earthly places, Guantanamo. You will have arrived with a sack over your head, of course.

Ask your captors and they will only mock you. “Where am I?” The expression “the Lord alone knows” might come to some mortal minds. (What knowledge is The Lord’s alone, I shall not comment upon.)

“What am I doing here?” you might ask. But, again, there is no Earthly answer to your question. Have you knowingly committed an offense against a published law? One of your judges asked a lawyer for your government a hypothetical question: What about “a little old lady in Switzerland who writes checks to what she thinks is a charity that helps orphans but really is a front to finance al-Qaeda activities? Would she be considered an enemy combatant?” The government lawyer, who works for you at least as much as he works for me, said that the U.S. military would not be legally “disabled” from detaining her.

Trust me when I assure you that every soul consigned to my tender mercies has been adjudged by He Alone Whose Judgment Shall Not be Questioned. When the clock strikes the Hour of Doom, there shall be no appeal. Now, I ask you, does this “Bush” character claim such Awesome Authority for himself? Does he claim to be above appeal, above reproach, infallible? Whether you mortals may countenance such hubris is your affair. I know Who won’t.

II. I Have Never “Choked on a Pretzel” or “Fallen Off a Bicycle.” No more need be said upon this matter.

III. “Civil War”: You have made much in your popular fiction of a “civil war” in Hell. It makes what you call good box office — I thought that mortal Adam-Something was quite amusing in that one picture. There is a real civil war right now on Earth — you know where. (When it used to be called “the Land Between Two Rivers” — Mesopotamia — I knew it well. Those were halcyon days.) By two-to-one in recent polls you think that this place is now in the throes of a civil war. Ask yourself, is this my handiwork, or due to the meddling of this “Bush” character? How many souls have died thus far, and how many more shall lose the one thing I cannot take from them?

IV. And All of the Above Only Because of a Pack of Lies

Here again, I defend myself. My dissembling is a byword. I should never dream of pretending anything else! (Even now, I am lying!) My very name speaks the truth of my nature: I am your Adversary! Beware! Boo! Et cetera! How this “Bush” character pretends friendship with you, with all the peoples of the world: Truly, I should admire the sheer villainy of it. Sadly, he utterly lacks the brains the carry it off. Such a transparently mealy-mouthed ass is he, he puts lying to shame. It infuriates me to the very end of infinity to be likened to such a cretinous toad.

Thank you for letting me have my say. Remember what time it is. Perhaps I will be seeing you soon. It is up to you.

Sincerely, The Adversary